My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
There's even glitter on my cock...
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