if you like me you must not know who I am
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
