i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
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