Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Randomize
