Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Randomize
