I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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