first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
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I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
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I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
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