I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
