i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Randomize
