I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
