from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
