Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
