hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
