I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
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I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
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I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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