atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Randomize
