Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Naked Twister starts at high noon
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
