Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize
