If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
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