She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Randomize
