office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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