Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
like why cant he just admit that he still wants to fuck me even though im underage
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
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