Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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