We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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