I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
