she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
