i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
