Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So squirting runs in the family.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize