May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
