so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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