if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
