so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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