fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
