When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
