Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
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