Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
Randomize
