Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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