"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Randomize
