so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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