No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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