I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Randomize
