areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
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