My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
