I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
