I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
