My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
