I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
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