I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
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