The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
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you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
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Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
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