and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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