i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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