2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
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He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
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Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
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