it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
