already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
Randomize
