Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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