I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
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