Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
