so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Randomize
