its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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